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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27743443">falling awake</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaotic_carisi/pseuds/chaotic_carisi'>chaotic_carisi</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Law &amp; Order: SVU</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 19:42:48</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,406</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27743443</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaotic_carisi/pseuds/chaotic_carisi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"As Sonny led Rafael to his bedroom, he couldn’t help but panic. He couldn’t remember the last time he hadn’t slept alone, or more importantly, the last time he slept without nightmares."</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>38</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>falling awake</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Are you sure you’re okay with me staying over?” Rafael asked, watching Sonny nervously. </p><p>“Only if you want to.” He answered. </p><p>Truthfully, Sonny wasn’t sure. They had only been seeing each other for a few months, but Sonny liked Rafael a lot, too much to mess up so soon. </p><p>“I do.” Rafael said, breaking into a smile that Sonny couldn’t help but return. </p><p>As Sonny led Rafael to his bedroom, he couldn’t help but panic. He couldn’t remember the last time he hadn’t slept alone, or more importantly, the last time he slept without nightmares. </p><p>He sat on the edge of the bed, sighing as Rafael got changed on the other side of the room. It had been a long day and Sonny was exhausted. It was a long shot, but he hoped the exhaustion would be enough to let him sleep all night. </p><p>Almost as if he had read his mind, Rafael spoke up. “You had a tough day today, how are you holding up?”</p><p>Sonny lay back on the bed, his eyes falling naturally on the crack on the ceiling, a crack he had stared at for hours on end as he tried to get back to sleep at night. </p><p>“I just wish we could’ve done more.” </p><p>“You did your best, Sonny.” </p><p>“It wasn’t enough.” It’s never enough, he thought. </p><p>He felt the right side of the bed shift as Rafael lay next to him. </p><p>“You can’t beat yourself up for this, Sonny. You can’t win every case; you can’t put everyone away.” </p><p>Rafael reached out, gently running his hand over Sonny’s chest and stomach, watching as his chest rose and fell as he breathed. </p><p>“I can try.” </p><p>Sonny reached down, taking Rafael’s hand in his own, and wrapped his free arm around Rafael’s shoulders. </p><p>“I’m glad you’re staying.” He said, and he meant it. For the first time in a long time, Sonny felt safe, Sonny felt like he could sleep and not have to worry about nightmares. </p><p>“Me too.” Rafael murmured, his eyes already shut. It didn’t take long for him to fall asleep, snoring lightly as Sonny gently ran his hand through his hair. </p><p>Sonny fell asleep not long after. At first, he fell into a familiar dream, a dream that would always stay a dream. </p><p>In the dream, Sonny lived outside of the city, in a tiny house in the middle of nowhere. The house was always empty, there were signs that his sisters had been, signs of his many nieces and nephews, but no one else was there, not usually. This time, however, it was clear someone else was here. </p><p>There were 2 mugs on the kitchen counter instead of one, 2 coats hanging by the front door, 2 pairs of shoes in the hallway, and countless photo frames, with pictures of 2 people.</p><p>As Sonny got closer to the photos, he realised the other person was Rafael. There were pictures of Sonny and Rafael at the precinct, in a field of fluffy cows, at the statue of liberty, on a ferryboat, and in a Church. </p><p>Sonny couldn’t believe it as he looked at the final photograph. They were married. He glanced down and sure enough, a silver band was on his ring finger. </p><p>“Hey. You’re home.” </p><p>Sonny turned around, and sure enough, Rafael was making his way down the stairs. </p><p>They were married, Sonny thought, as Rafael – his husband Rafael – pulled him into a hug. </p><p>It was too good to be true, Sonny thought, reaching up and running his hand through Rafael’s hair. </p><p>And it was. </p><p>Sonny was still holding Rafael when he heard the gunshot, but of course, he wasn’t Rafael anymore. </p><p>He couldn’t bear to let go, he didn’t want to let go yet, not of this. Not of Rafael.</p><p>But it wasn’t Rafael, not anymore. Rafael was gone as soon as the bullet flew.</p><p>Sonny knew exactly what he’d see when he let go, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Not yet.</p><p>He was no longer in his home, no longer surrounded by photos of Rafael. He no longer felt the security and happiness he had when he saw the signs of another person living with him. </p><p>It was time. </p><p>Taking a deep breath, Sonny let go of the body against his own. He avoided looking at his face as he lay the body gently on the ground, but there was no need. He knew the details of his face clearer than his own. </p><p>He had to look, though. He had to look in order for it to end. </p><p>Shaking, Sonny straightened up and looked at the body on the ground, looked into the forever staring eyes of the first victim. </p><p>He didn’t have to look for long. The face morphed quickly into the next victim. </p><p>And the next, and the next and the next.</p><p>They changed so quickly, Sonny barely had time to register, but he knew them all anyway. He knew their faces, their names, and when he saw them. </p><p>They were changing quickly now, and Sonny knew he didn’t have long left before it was over. </p><p>Of course, it had to get worse before it could end. </p><p>He felt the lump form in his throat as he thought about what was coming, about who was coming. </p><p>It always ended with the same person, the same bloody body on the ground, hand outstretched towards Sonny. </p><p>Sonny felt the tears begin to run down his face as he looked down at his partner’s body once more. </p><p>Something was different this time. Instead of waking up, the body began to change again, and Sonny had no choice but to watch. </p><p>He watched as blond hair became dark, and hazel eyes turned green. </p><p>The tears fell faster as he realised who had replaced his partner on the floor. </p><p>“Rafael.” He dropped to his knees next to his body, shaking as he reached out to take his hand. </p><p>He knew it was too late. The blood was pooling around his body, and his hand was cold. </p><p>He was dead. </p><p>Sonny’s vision began to blur as the tears flowed, his head rushing. How could this have happened? How could he have let it happen? </p><p>“I’m sorry Raf, I’m so sorry.” He found himself whispering through the tears, his voice cracking as he spoke. </p><p>He closed his eyes, but the image of Rafael laying there, blood staining his shirt, was stuck in his mind. </p><p>He opened his eyes and found himself staring at the crack on the ceiling once more, with a familiar voice pulling him back from the nightmare. </p><p>“Sonny, wake up. Sonny!”</p><p>Sonny groaned as he felt Rafael shaking him. He sighed as he reached for the lamp on the bedside table, not surprised to find he was covered in sweat. </p><p>“I’m sorry.” He muttered, swinging his legs out of the bed and shivering as his feet landed on the cold floor. </p><p>This wasn’t the first time he’d had a nightmare, and it definitely wouldn’t be the last time, but it was the first time Rafael had stayed over. He couldn’t imagine what Rafael was thinking now, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to imagine. What would Sonny think if he woke up next to someone having a nightmare? He wasn’t sure, but he didn’t think it was good. </p><p>“Sorry? For what, having a bad dream? That’s not something you apologise for, Sonny.” Rafael reached out, letting his hand hover for a second before placing it gently on Sonny’s shaking shoulder. </p><p>Sonny flinched as he felt Rafael’s hand gently squeeze his shoulder. “I didn’t mean to wake you up.” He sat for a few seconds longer before standing up, letting Rafael’s hand drop. </p><p>“It’s okay Sonny.” </p><p>Sonny turned to face Rafael for the first time since waking up, pushing his hair back from his forehead. He felt his stomach drop as he looked into those green eyes once more, remembering how lifeless they had been. He almost felt sick as thought about how still Rafael had been. </p><p>“I’m gonna take a shower.” Sonny said, gesturing towards the bathroom door behind him.</p><p>“Mind if I make a coffee?” </p><p>“You aren’t going back to sleep?” Sonny watched as Rafael got out of bed, yawning as he stretched. </p><p>“No, not while you need me.” The words left Rafael’s lips so softly and quickly, Sonny just stared in shock. “What?” Rafael asked, as he noticed Sonny staring. </p><p>“Nothing.” He smiled and dropped his gaze to the floor. “Thank you.”</p><p>“You don’t have to thank me, Soleado. I’m here for you. Now go shower, I’m not giving you a hug while you’re dripping in sweat.” Sonny laughed as Rafael left the bedroom, and made his own way into the bathroom, turning on the shower as he stripped off and leaned against the cool ceramic of the sink. </p><p>He stepped into the shower, closing his eyes as he let the warm water splash onto his face. </p><p>This was a mistake. </p><p>As soon as he closed his eyes, he was back in the dream, watching as his old partners face became Rafael’s. </p><p>Stepping back, Sonny opened his eyes, reaching out to lean against the wall as he felt his legs shake. </p><p>He felt the tears begin to mix with the water running down his face. He didn’t do anything to stop the flow, letting the tears run until there were none left. </p><p>He washed quickly after that, not wanting ti leave Rafael waiting for long. </p><p>Stumbling back into the bedroom, he dried off and pulled on his Fordham jumper and some sweatpants. </p><p>As he left the bedroom, he heard Rafael singing under his breath, and paused for a minute to listen before walking into the kitchen. </p><p>Rafael stopped singing, looking up as Sonny walked in and leaned over the counter.</p><p>“Don’t stop on my account.” He said, taking the cup Rafael handed him. “I didn’t know you could sing.”</p><p>Rafael shrugged, as though it were no big deal. “You never asked. How are you feeling?” He asked, taking a sip from his own mug. </p><p>“Better.” He turned and looked out the window. It was still dark. “I’m sorry I woke you.” He said once more, turning back to Rafael. </p><p>“You said my name.” Rafael said, looking at Sonny almost in disbelief. </p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Before you woke up, you said my name. You were distressed, you were apologising.”</p><p>Sonny hadn’t realised he spoke in his sleep, but of course, he’d always slept alone until now. </p><p>“Do you want to talk about it? About the dream?” Rafael asked, and reached across to take Sonny’s free hand. </p><p>“It’s just a dream, I don’t want to bother you Rafi.”</p><p>“Sonny, you aren’t bothering me. Let me help you.” </p><p>There was a softness in Rafael’s eyes that made Sonny want to open up and explain everything, to release this dream that had haunted him for so many years. </p><p>And he did. </p><p>“I used to work Homicide, back in Staten Island before I moved to svu.” He started quietly and slowly, thinking carefully before choosing the words to explain what he saw. Rafael listened quietly, gently squeezing his hand as he spoke. </p><p>“I remember every victim. I remember the first, and how it shocked me. There was so much blood for just one person. The others, the older guys, they said it got easier but it never did. It just got worse. The bodies piled up, one after the other, and they just kept getting worse. The nightmares started after the first, but got worse with every new case.” Sonny paused, taking a drink as he thought about what he had to say next. He knew it had to come out eventually, he had to talk about it at some point, he just didn’t expect it to be so soon. </p><p>“One night, my partner and I were on a case. We found the suspect, totally on accident and my partner gave chase. I held back to call for backup.” Sonny felt his voice crack, but he kept speaking. He had started, and he was going to finish. “I heard a gunshot, assumed it was the suspect being shot. I turned the corner and the suspect was gone, my partner was on the ground. Dead. If I had moved quicker, if I had stayed with him...“ He trailed off, eyes focused on Rafael’s hand on the counter holding his own. </p><p>There was silence for a minute before Rafael spoke. </p><p>“It wasn’t your fault. You couldn’t have known, so you can’t blame yourself.”</p><p>“I could’ve stopped it, Raf, I could’ve saved him.” His voice was barely a whisper, but it cut clear through the silent room. </p><p>“It happened Sonny. You can’t change that, and you can’t keep beating yourself up over it.” He paused for a moment, absentmindedly tracing a finger along the veins on the back of Sonny’s hand as he thought. “You dreamt about the victims, and your partner?”</p><p>Sonny nodded, looking up to Rafael as he replied. “Yeah, it’s always them. Every single night.”</p><p>“So why did you say my name?” </p><p>There it was. The part Sonny had been trying to forget. He shrugged, hoping Rafael would ignore it. </p><p>“Sonny, what did you see?”</p><p>The tears that had been threatening to spill finally fell before the words came. </p><p>Rafael squeezed his hand tighter, and it was enough to get him through it. </p><p>“I saw you. I saw everyone, I saw them all, I saw my partner and then it was you.” He couldn’t bring himself to say more, but Rafael understood. </p><p>He stood up and walked around the kitchen counter, not saying a word until he was next to Sonny. </p><p>“Look at me.” He said, an edge to his voice that Sonny had only heard in court. He turned, shaking, to face Rafael. </p><p>“I am alive, okay? I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere.”</p><p>Before Sonny could reply, Rafael pulled him into a hug. </p><p>At first, Sonny wasn’t sure what to do, but as he felt Rafael’s hands tighten around him, he relaxed. </p><p>He let his chin rest on Rafael’s shoulder and forgot about the nightmare totally. </p><p>Instead, he thought about the first dream, he thought about the house with 2 sets of everything, and the wedding pictures where he looked happier than he’d ever felt in his life. </p><p>Sonny thought about the future, and for the first time ever, he had something to look forward to.</p>
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